9 Responses to “Your Necklace Can Speak Something About yourself”

1. BlueLucario says:

   October 12, 2009 at 12:43 am

   Writers please rate my story it’s chapter one. I promise youll love it. If you do please star it?
   WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON THIS STORY? WHAT DID YOU LIKE ABOUT IT WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE ABOUT IT. IF YOU WANT TO READ THE WHOLE THING PLEASE POST YOUR EMAIL.

   PLEASE TELL ME HOW I CAN IMPROVE ON MY STORY.
2. niyaqueen123 says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:45 am

   OMGSH How old are you because that story was AWSOME!!

   I think you should put some more UMPH into it though i think that it could also use some more detail in this chapter also it would be great if you made the chapter a bit longer I mean how many pages would that fill up if your were to publish the book 4 pages i like chapters to be long but that may just be me Be sure to email me @ [email protected] if your bookk gets published cuz i would defiently read it.

   Good luck and happy reading
   References :
   YAYY 4 U
   BTW U GET A STAR*
3. stevedepasto says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:47 am

   You have a very interesting beginning for the story and the potential for it to go quite well. I like the description of what the main character sees, etc.

   Areas to work on:
   Try to avoid using repeated pronouns as the subject so often. This is difficult when you write a story in first person like you have, but still, it gets annoying to the reader to repeat words. Try rewording the sentence to avoid beginning it with "I" or "she" always.

   Your sentences get choppy at times. By that I mean short followed by another 2 or 3 shorts. Use more sentence variety. Maybe one would be a longer sentence where you would use connecting words like "therefore", "however", "as well as" etc. and then the following sentence would be shorter for making a quick point and emphasis.

   Make sure your first sentence hooks the reader to want to read the 2nd and so forth throughout the first few paragraphs. Once they’re hooked, it’s a lot easier usually. When I write [which I do constantly] I usually spend more than half the time of the first chapter solely on the first paragraph.

   Last item, your speech is not quite natural. Spell out the conversations as you would say them, and then write them down with a little less perfect grammar if necessary or whatever reflection you wish to use of the speaker’s accent or dialect.

   Overall, I applaud you for beginning an overall excellent job. I enjoyed reading the story and look forward to continuing to watch its progress. With only a little editting here and there, I see wonderful potential for it. GREAT JOB!

   PS Don’t look at it as a bad thing for editing. I’ve written many works now and always I have to go back and edit/change/alter/re-word and sometimes even completely re-do an entire section before it becomes perfect. It’s all part of the process. You really are doing a great job!
   References :
   I’m a writer as well, having completed various short and long works over the years.
4. rogerws76 says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:49 am

   Very good story. Watch your tenses as in the paragraph that starts "it’s been approximately" Also I would change approximately to about as it fits the child’s age and voice better. Only one other thing. Change "anyone who is seen this child" to "anyone who has seen this child"

   I would like to read the rest f the story but you should not ask for an email from people you don’t know. It is not safe. Why don’t you consider posting it on a site like http://www.helium.com. It is a site where anyone can post their writing.

   I hope to see it in a book someday! You have a very talented way of writing!
   References :
5. Harry Potter fan! says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:51 am

   u dont need to, its great, just please, please, PLEASE write more and post it as a quetion on YAHOO! Answers

   PLEASE! 5 stars out of 5 or 10 out of 10!!!!!
   just watch your tenses, though.
   References :
6. Lola says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:53 am

   i love it,

   i think something more should happen in the bigining

   10/10!!!
   References :
7. Madison K says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:55 am

   hey that story is awesome! it wasn’t what i was expecting at all but i liked it. your punctuation could use a little work but otherwise it was WAY good!
   References :
8. Shauna says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:57 am

   It’s awesome. I like it because it was very descriptive and clear. I could see a movie playing in my mind. I like it! (Great job!)

   MollyWobblesSrz
   References :
9. thankyouverymuch says:

   October 12, 2009 at 5:59 am

   Well spoken. It does seem though at times it gets to the corny point. I am a very particular person about this type of thing but you must make sure you don’t make it SUPER corny.

   Content wise I would either bump the age up or down because that age is too commonly found. I just found it moderately corny at times. A 12 year old girl who has amnesia just sounds familiar.

   Technically it could use some work. Be VERY careful about switching from the past to present tense, some punctuation could be fixed, and other small grammatical related things

   Overall it was wonderful. If you have more I would love for you to send me and e-mail at
   [email protected]

   Well done. It is aimed in a good direction
   References :